How to Kill a Mockingbird

To kill a mockingbird you must adopt the passerine bird's own tactics of mimicry. You must spend time learning to imitate your feathered nemesis from its song to the beleagured way it hops along the branches of tall trees. Naturally, it may prove a chore if the bird in question is already mimicking another creature at the time. You may unknowingly find yourself mimicking several species of ant or a time-worn tree frog approaching its final croak. Thus you must spend enough time, hidden well away, studying the mockingbird and, all the while, learning its true identity. The best time is when his mother calls him in for dinner. "Coming Mum!" it will shout back in bird vernacular. Memorising this call will allow you to tell when the mockingbird is speaking its native tongue.

Now, once you have mastered mimicry of a mockingbird (and believe me, mastering that sentence alone is some achievement) you will be ready to make your attempt on its life. The mockingbird is an extremely proud creature and it literally cannot withstand insults. In short, you must mock this mockingbird to death, squawking snide comments to it in its own language.

Popular insults include suggesting it couldn't peck the skin off a rice pudding, that it flies rather less well than a Ryanair pilot or that its best impression still fades into insignificance when compared to one by Bobby Davro. Once the bird has been insulted to death, you may eat it with a side salad or betwixt two slices of bread.